FHM Review– A first time buyer’s perspective

I am a 27 year old male who had NEVER bought a copy of FHM. Seriously. Never. I had read parts of it before from friends’ copies and a very lovely woman once bought me an issue of it many years ago, extolling the virtues of said magazine – I think Jennifer Ellison was in it if anyone remembers when she was famous. As I was going on holiday I wanted to purchase Empire magazine (big film fan, obviously) to read and as I’m always looking for a bargain I saw this offer for Empire and FHM for £5 and decided, what the hell. I’m not the type to shit all over something without giving it a chance (unless it’s called Splash!) so I actually sat down and read pretty much every word in the March 2013 issue of FHM. Now that I’ve alienated all human beings with this first paragraph I’ll continue with a review.

Yesterday was International Women’s Day and what better way to celebrate than by reading something which is so empowering towards women… In fairness there is some good stuff in FHM and I will start by highlighting that:

• Jobs Down Under – about relocating your life from UK to Australia and tips from 4 or 5 separate people who have done so successfully
• The Greatest Summer Holiday –  a section devoted to approx 10 destinations that will see you have the best holiday ever possible

I have actually torn these pages out and will keep them. There is some genuinely good advice and I might very well use them for myself. Even so I have a couple of issues. Firstly, all of the people in Jobs Down Under are men with their partners briefly alluded to. Secondly, all of the holiday destinations are male with the emphasis on booze, birds and beach.

Now the bad – and there is a lot of bad. I’m even going to split it in to insulting towards women and not abusive towards females. I’ll save the invective for later:

• Adverts – as with all magazines the proliferation of adverts to articles increases throughout and I know the target audience is male but Jesus Christ there is a lot of metrosexual shit.

Designer clothes, James Bond, posh alcohol, clothes again, more clothes, men’s perfume (aftershave I think it’s called), vitamins, watches, shoes, clothes again, film ad and shampoo ad featuring a footballer. Every single advert feels like it is targeted specifically towards a mid 20s-40s rich, middle class London yuppie type and it just seems depressing to me.

 

•  Adverts within articles – half of the actual articles are basically just adverts for products.

Some examples being an article about Dan Ackroyd’s new vodka range morphing in to a celebrity alcohol advert, a coffee making piece which merely sought to sell a range of expensive accessories, and 14 (yes 14!) pages of style tips for cunts men which was just a very long advert.

• Dull attempts at funny stuff – there are a few articles about Pancake Day for men, a man’s best friend: dog vs. mate and The Bloke Test.

This month’s ‘bloke’ was Danny Trejo who just seemed dumbfounded to be asked such questions as “have you ever followed through on a particularly exuberant fart”. I found them uninspiring and tedious rather than utterly offensive but, hey, maybe some guys find that funny. Each to his own.

Other articles I won’t talk about because you could find them in any magazine include: an interview with an astronaut and a footballer, reviews of film, video games, theatre, readers’ letters, biker gang stories – none of these are particularly bad or good.

 

However, there is a whole long list of articles offensive to women:

• Scantily clad women in insulting terms – men buy these magazines to look at soft core porn. That is the first thing I will say. I am not going to criticise for the ridiculous poses because it’s clichéd and is there for titillation. Is it wrong? Yes. Will it change? No.

What I take offence to is the actual language highlighted in these articles, “I’m quite old fashioned. It’s the man’s role to look after the woman” says Chloe Cummings who is famous for being Abby Clancy’s cousin and is “a bit of a psychic”. Setting the women’s movement back a hundred years there Chloe. The actual interview is too boring and depressing to even repeat on here.

• Get A Massive Crush On Alicia Vikander – she was nominated for BAFTA rising star award this year and has been awarded the Kermode Award for best actress for her role in the sensational, A Royal Affair. Here she is reduced to a picture in an article NOT EVEN ABOUT HER.

This article is actually an interview with Adam Deacon (winner of BAFTA rising star last year – in a tenuous link to Vikander) where he is promoting his new film on DVD. If I was Deacon I would be insulted. If I was Vikander I would be insulted.

• Close The Deal With Beautiful Women – I am shit with women. It is a fact. Just ask any woman I’ve ever dated and they’ll tell you. I can do with some advice but fuck me this was a depressing read. 7 pages of tips for men to get women in to bed! This made me angry.

They dressed women up in scantily clad outfits reducing them to mere caricatures and then proceeded to label them in specific terms which men could access via following the advice written on the page. I mean really? I just found this insulting to my intelligence. I can see how there is some well-meaning advice in there (hidden very well admittedly) but it is just dumping women on a plate and saying, “There you go guys, come and fuck us. This is how to do it. It will definitely work.” It made me feel ashamed to be a man.

• Win a Date with Georgia, Franziska or Rosie – this is another 8 pages of nearly naked women but this time it is self promotion for the world renowned FHM 100 Sexiest Women 2013 edition (vote now!)

Again, I have no problem with the naked women as that’s the purpose of the magazine. I also have no problem with FHM promoting their magazine’s 100 Sexiest Women as that edition is presumably the biggest selling of the year and to use wrestling parlance (since they review wrestling games in one of the articles) is the equivalent of Wrestlemania. My problem is them giving a date away with one of the 3 models they’ve chosen to flaunt in their lingerie. Once more women have been reduced to objects for no real reason. What is the purpose of this? Does anyone reading think they will get an ACTUAL date with someone they’ve never met and who probably have boyfriends in any case? Is the magazine trying to drum up business by using aspirational techniques? Are they sex slaves who will fuck anyone on command? I just don’t know.

• Judd Apatow: FHM Hero – I like Judd Apatow films. They are blokey in a geekish, immature but appealing way. This interview I did not like. Not because of Apatow but FHM.

In Empire magazine Apatow was also interviewed about his new film This Is 40 which also happens to star his wife, Leslie Mann. They are both interviewed together in a funny, bickering and informative format that is well executed. Good job Empire. In FHM Apatow is interviewed alone with lots of blokey references to his past films and upcoming films (pretty much all of which star Mann in some way). So why is it that Leslie Mann gets no reference until paragraph 11 out of 12? And when she does get a mention it is thoroughly condescending, “Spot [Mann] in This Is 40, in which, if you can prize your eyes away from Megan Fox rolling around in a bikini, she plays spouse to Paul Rudd…surely directing your own missus in a sex scene with a good friend is kinda weird, right?” Ugh. Everything about that wants makes me want to punch the page, the writer and myself in the face. Leslie Mann is pretty much shot down in the tiny piece of an article she is afforded. Terrible.

• Great Sexy Moments In Life #12 – this is the last thing I’m going to moan about but it’s basically page 3 but 3 pages from the back.

What is the purpose of this? Beth from Manchester is just eating some grapes answering inane questions. ‘A pretty girl nibbling on some grapes’ it says in the sub-heading. Yes, that is it. That is the purpose. To have a pretty girl. There is no substance to the questions. There is no reason for it to be there *sigh*

Ok, well I hope anyone who has read this is as thoroughly depressed as I am. A couple of redeeming articles will not make me buy this again. It is insulting to women and also to men I would suggest.

Dead Man’s Shoes: Review

Put simply Dead Man’s Shoes is a revenge movie in the tradition of Straw Dogs, Mad Max, Death Wish and Once Upon A Time In The West but set in the rather less glamorous location of Matlock, Derbyshire. One man avenges the poor treatment his handicapped brother suffered at the hands of a drugs gang by exacting a concerted, bloody revenge. In these times of heightened feelings towards gun crime in America, following the Sandy Hook massacre in Newtown, films like this are all the more likely to be studied and castigated for their portrayal of a romanticised violence and yet those who condemn it are missing the point.

 
The director Shane Meadows is a particular favourite of mine. His localised Midlands stories have a charm to them that is very unique, very personal, very British. He tends to cast original actors for their raw energy and character rather than actual ability. Sometimes it works (Paddy Considine, Vicky McClure, Joe Gilgun) sometimes it doesn’t (most of the others) but in this particular case the lead character of Richard (Considine) is perfectly cast as a disturbed ex-soldier who shows no fear or remorse. He becomes consumed by this need for revenge and nothing or no one will stop him as he is accompanied by his brother on this journey.

Considine himself also wrote the script with Meadows and long-time Meadows co-contributor, Paul Fraser and this is shown in the performance as Considine’s own personal influence seems to shine through. The thoughtful musings and conversations between Richard and his brother Anthony (Toby Kebbell) were a chance to show the character as loving and relatable when the fact that he was murdering people should have disconnected the audience with Richard. The mob mentality often displayed by young groups of males is to the fore as these men tormented a young disabled boy and yet when confronted by their own mortality seem to be scared, remorseful and almost affable. It is up to the viewer how they wish to react.

 
This is a film about vengeance but it is also a love story because of two strands: Richard and Anthony as well as Mark and his family towards the end. These bookend the film as the viewer has travelled from violence at the beginning through copious bloodshed to the end. Dead Man’s Shoes does not preach or glamorise violence. It just shows all actions have consequences and that revenge is not always what you wished.

 

Tyrannosaur: Review

Bit behind the times with this review of Tyrannosaur but deaths, domestic violence, animal killing, sadism, child maiming and women on a hen do. On the surface this seems like an X-rated version of The Hangover – I’ve never seen that or the sequel(s) so I’m presuming – but watch it. It is sensational. As with all the best films it is a love story that is so much more than that simple premise.

And there are no dinosaurs. Sorry.

The acting is uniformly superb. Eddie Marsan is at his best as disturbingly tranquil psycho, James. Peter Mullan’s Joseph is the heart of the film with his detachment from life and his gravelly voice could send women to climax in seconds – I’ve never seen that so I’m presuming.

Last but not least, Olivia Colman. Wow. Just wow. I’ve heard how good she was in this film but Christ on a bike she is brilliant. And Christian. And not a generic lovely, insulting Christian but an in-depth character with so many levels it would make Tetris blush. Tragic, loveable and beautiful in equal measure I can’t think of a better female lead performance in movies in recent memory. Only perhaps Vicky McClure in This Is England 86 and 88 along with Emily Watson in Appropriate Adult on TV. She deserved all the awards she obtained and more on top.

To the writing. Paddy Considine was already a superb actor and writer. Add director to that now. The understated why in which he treated such delicate, horrific subject matter is masterful. I won’t give away the plot because doing that would be a disservice to a film that demands you watch and pay attention to it. Suffice to say it is hard to watch but it will reward you so well.

If you like serious, well-written, superlative acted drama then please watch Tyrannosaur.

Presidential Debate 2 – Review in buzzwords

Mitt Romney                               Barack Obama

I know what it takes                                  Romney is a LIAR [paraphrased]

Grow jobs                                                    Trade deals will grow jobs

5 point plan                                                 He has 1 point plan for folks at top

He’s had 4 years                                         I’ve had 4 years to clear up Bush’s 10

Balanced budget                                        He cuts Planned Parenthood

When I was Gov. of Massachusetts        I was raised by a single mom

Middle class: ‘crushed’, ‘ruined’               Middle class: ‘relief’, Bush ‘squeezed’

I wanna help small business                      98% hostage for top 2%

Energy independent                                  Increased coal, oil, wind & solar

Add jobs                                                       My grandmother…

President has had 4 years                        My grandfather…

Find some women that are qualified     Not the kind of advocacy women need

Binders full of women                              Lilly Ledbetter Fair Play Act

Of course (my numbers) add up            $8 trillion cuts. How?

Grow jobs                                                    Double exports will grow jobs

I ran businesses                                         I cut taxes for middle class

I came from small business                     I cut taxes for small business

I know what it takes                                  I saved auto industry

I ran Olympics                                            I ended Iraq War

Road to Greece                                           I killed Osama Bin Laden

My priority is jobs                                     I reigned in Wall Street

Look at your pension                                 My pension is not as big as yours

14 days to call it a terrorist attack        I said it was terrorism day after

President culpable for Benghazi             I don’t play politics with US lives.

He went to fundraisers next day            Not what a Commander-In-Chief does

No new legislation for guns                     Ban assault weapons

Educate using nuclear family                  Romney flip-flopped on guns for NRA

Immigration: Pathway to citizenship    Immigration: Pathway to citizenship

Punish offenders and deport them        We need to create the new Google

Lower corporate tax rate                          Lower corporate tax rate

Canada has 15% tax. We must match    We will remove loopholes to compete

China’s been cheating                                 We are tough on China. He is not.

Government does not create jobs          He said 47% of you are victims

Regulations have quadrupled                 Reducing deficit a moral obligation

I know what it takes to grow jobs           Create good paying jobs

And the winner is…

The Sapphires – Review

I’m going to make a prediction: The Sapphires will be the sleeper hit of 2012.

Last night saw the UK premiere of this enchanting film charting the trials and tribulations of the first female Australian Aboriginal vocal group. I was in Australia during September and watched a film that had been hyped as ‘The Australian Dreamgirls’ and ‘the film Dreamgirls wished it could be’. While Dreamgirls was probably a more rounded Hollywood style movie, The Sapphires ticks many of the same boxes but with a story far less well known and does it in a more pleasing manner for me.

It is based on a true story of four talented Aboriginal girls (in real life this included writer Tony Briggs’ grandmother) who suffer from the segregated society pervading Australia in 1968. The film juxtaposes powerful imagery and footage of the US Civil Rights Movement, Vietnam War and Australian unrest at the time to great effect as it creates an emotional link inside of the audience.

Standout performances come from the continually impressive Chris O’Dowd as the gloriously ramshackle Dave Lovelace who provides wonderful comic relief throughout. He also maintains real gravitas in spite of this and to his credit never roams into hackneyed drunken Irishman territory. However, equally as good is the matriarch of the group Gail McCrae, played by Deborah Mailman, who brings a fabulously tender intensity to an at times dislikeable character.

At times the writing seems clichéd and takes a simplistic linear approach but this should not detract from what is a wonderful experience as a viewer. Indeed the audience I saw it with ranged from the very young to the very old, albeit with a heavily female dominated demographic. The dramatic scenes are not for the faint-hearted and some of the racism is hard to watch – indeed the reveal that the government stole Aboriginal babies that could be ‘turned white’ genuinely shocked me. That said the film generally kept a light-hearted attitude and the cinema abounded with laughter throughout. The woman sat next to me (in her late twenties to early thirties) had a fixed smile on her face almost entirely throughout.

As things stand The Sapphires is due for release in the UK on 7 November and has no release date in the US, although, with the backing of Harvey Weinstein and a gathering momentum of praise expect that to change. While not the most groundbreaking piece of film making in history – despite its unique subject matter – I highly recommend viewing what is a wonderfully uplifting cinema experience that I guarantee will leave you smiling all night long.

Obama v Romney Presidential Debate 1 – in 90 secs, not 90 mins

If, unlike me, you have a life and don’t have time to spend 90 mins watching the Obama v Romney debate then perhaps you will like my slightly irreverent bullet point review of the points made by each candidate last night that will take about 90 secs to read:

President Barack Hussein Obama II:

• We’ll help middle income and lower income families
• Personal voter stories by the bucket load
• Lower taxes for some
• $1 trillion deficit from previous government
• …er, um, er…
• Handful of lists: 1, 2, 3, 4
• ‘I’m all in favour of green energy’
• ‘Money in their pocket’
• …er, um, er…
• Close loopholes on overseas jobs
• ‘Create American jobs’
• $4 trillion deficit reduction plan
• …er, um, er…
• Dead grandma
• Help Medicare
• Obamacare, yay
• ‘Build, help, create, fight’
• Of Romney’s plans, ‘We don’t know the details’

Governor Willard Mitt Romney:

• We’ll help middle income families and lower income families
• Personal voter stories by the bucket load
• Lower taxes for all
• $1 trillion deficit from current government
• Fuckloads of lists: 1, 2, 3, 4
• ‘I’m all in favour of green energy but…(I prefer everything else)’
• ‘I don’t wanna kill jobs’
• Massachusetts is great, therefore I am great
• Why is Obama cutting Medicare?
• Obamacare, boo
• Private care, yay
• ‘Deficit, deficit, deficit, deficit’
• Of Romney’s plans, ‘I know the details but won’t tell you’

Ross Noble – Mindblender Review

Last night I saw Ross Noble’s Mindblender show, his 13^th major tour to date and my 7^th opportunity to watch this master in action. For the uninitiated it is very difficult to review a Ross Noble performance as he does not adhere to the formal model of stand up comics. Light hearted audience participation, on the spot improvisation and seamlessly linked, superbly written surreal observational stories make up his performances. Last night followed this well trodden formula.

He launched in to a dreamlike Celebrity Deal or No Deal re-enactment with Derren Brown convincing Noel Edmonds to blow his face off met by a rather sinister round of applause by the crowd, including myself it must be said. A cavalcade of current references – Jimmy Saville included – and improvisation with the audience ensued including Underwear Antiques Roadshow, sticking hot spoons up your arse and a centaur pottery lesbian knocking the Queen’s hat off with his/her cock (don’t ask). Probably the first actual written segment came when trying to understand The Dark Knight Rises dialogue. Batman’s ridiculous whispering during a riot scene and attempting to receive some ‘dark’ biscuits from Alfred drew many laughs. This was matched by Bane morphing in to Kenneth Williams and Sweep from The Sooty Show. Noble’s dislike of Frankie Boyle was another part of the show almost certainly pre-written with allusions to new events that could be incorporated in to the Paralympics veering on dangerous Boyle-like territory at times.

The second half began as always with a parade of gifts that allowed for more improv with the spectators which once more proved enough of a success for the pre-planned material to be shelved. However, it must be said that my friend, experiencing his first full Noble show, was no longer finding the show as laugh out loud funny as he had pre-interval. Perhaps this was due to a more conventional style second half where an interaction with an audience member saw Noble talking about his daughter in a pre-written sketch about her clothing habits. While the story was clearly heart-warming and demonstrated how he and his daughter were very much alike, it was perhaps tailored towards the new-found viewers Noble has gained recently from his joining Twitter (@realrossnoble), and appearances on more mainstream shows such as The Graham Norton Show (alongside Katy Perry and Cheryl Cole) and Something For The Weekend. As someone who has followed Noble’s work for 8+ years it felt more like a Michael McIntyre or John Bishop story and left me feeling somewhat uncomfortable. However, I can fully see how this would endear him to others.

As with all Noble gigs the lavish set represented a combination of the inner workings of his mind and absolutely fucking nothing.

The sell out crowd certainly helped propel the show along and some provided perfectly timed comic aides but at times others caused problems where audience members felt compelled to participate by shouting out references from past shows – this is one of my major pet hates – in a vain attempt to become famous and impress (monkeys wearing trilbies, meat on the face, Aussie wife) although Noble, as a man with 20 years experience in stand up, was able to put down the hecklers very quickly. However, this added somewhat to the disjointed nature of the show. Even so if you’ve never seen Ross Noble live then ‘you’re a fool to yourself’ as the Cramlington born genius is fond of saying. His wit and energetic comedy is likely to enthuse throughout and the 2 hour plus set is certainly value for money. Highly recommended if not his best show in my opinion.